- janellestarr *

Monday, November 28, 2005

so many problems,
no solutions.
i'm retreating.

hushhush.
give me some peace.

HAPPY 14th BIRTHDAY JUSTIN.

~~

Sunday, November 27, 2005

EU today was fantastic!
the energy was pumpin',
and everyone was in state.

hands-on was terrific.
so much letting go.
cried so hard it felt great.
was as light as a feather.
could feel all those problems evaporate.
it was simply an emotional high.
i just love this part of EU so much.

i'm so glad i revisited.
and now i'm part of the assist team.
it's so much fun..
so enriching and enlightening.
thanks adam&brent.
you guys are great!
you've changed my life!

JOIN EU EVERYONE!
MINDCHAMPS!
TOMORROWS YOUTH!

dance your way thru EU...
let your problems go...
feel free...

~~

EU last night was fantastic.
the board breaking and stuff.
energy level was flying high.
only thing was it was damn tiring.
and the group was just way too big.
185 peeps!!! the usual's like 120?
and that's pretty big already.

anyhows,
i feel i can't get much out of it?
maybe cos dale's not around.
but nevermind... it's still alright.
i guess maybe cos it's my 2nd time too.
i already know what's gonna happen.
but it was still all fun.
meeting new people, making friends,
dancing and enjoying.
simply love EUs! xDD

alright.
i've gotta go get ready.
pack up all the stuff needed for the performance
and get ready to leave.
already running late.
yes!!! it's damn early in the morning,
my maxed out, tired and have aching muscles,
but it's all worth it.
it hella is! ;)

uncertainty hits me.
is it really meant to be?

~~

Saturday, November 26, 2005

security, i need.
can't seem to get it.
makes me all jittery and frantic.
disgusted with that feeling.

EU this weekend.
this one ain't as good.
too big a group.
dale's not presenting
(dale = aussie presenter)
not dale = SP sailing president.
hahahas.

so EU's gonna take away my weekend.
and i'm sorry i can't spend time with you.
i'll make it up to you.

oh yeah! had my spss test today.
was like... 10-15 mins late.
thought a cab could save me,
but i was caught in a traffic jam.
what luck. cost me 13bucks to get to sch.
anyhows, i was lucky.
i only lost a total of 12 marks for the paper.
marks lost from not completing the questions.
and it's thanks to my lecturer.
hahas. he was practically telling me what to do.
oops. hahahas. and he corrects you on the spot,
when he notices a mistake you've made.
nice huhh?
you bet!

----------------------------------

trust...
i seriously can't seem to trust people.
reckon it's thanks to the treatment i've received.
my lil heart's been mutilated.
gone were the days i used to trust.
just takes so much of me to trust someone.
i'm sorry. please understand.

arghs.
i really wish i was what i used to be.
someone with staunch principles,
standing firm, trusting and loads more.
i seem to have lost these qualities.
note: "seem".
forget it. i'm talking nonsense.

gotta catch some forty winks.
gotta get up early tmr for EU.
i pray it gets more enjoyable.
it's been rather... dead. =/
but at least the assists... they're fun.
HEH. nights.

your place in my heart is permanent.
just promise never to hurt me again.

~~

Friday, November 25, 2005

how would you determine superiority?
what would the judging criteria be?
income? social acceptance? class?
it remains debattable.

just saw something that stung my eyes.
hahahas. not that bad luhh.
but it sent a msg thru my nerves,
to that lil heart of mine,
that has been harshly mutilated by others,
and it gave it the worse electric shock.
hahahaas. exaggeration.
but yea. YOU're hurting me AGAIN.
i dunno la. i can't seem to trust anymore.
siggh. BLARGHS..

i'm gonna be busy.
and you've got planned all hooked up.
like WHAT THE FUCK?
alright. i shall not go on.
cos i haven't clarified this.

as for now,
i'm screwed.
projects all dued.
i'm not done with it YET!
=//

~~

Thursday, November 24, 2005

in gems class right now.
felt rather awkward as i entered.
cos i havent attended any lessons yet.
hahas. so yeah. dis is my 1st.
thank god the lecturer's nice.

things are improving,
but i guess i just demand too much.
it's about time i lowered my expectations.
after all i see you trying.
i'm sorry i pushed you so hard,
i'm sorry for being such a mean ass.

blog later.
class discussion now.
class ending soon.

is it really meant to be?
just be true to me.

~~

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

i feel rather detached from the real world.
guess i've retreated into my shell for too long.
time to make a come back. ;)
i see people smiling!
heh. i miss that wild me.
the crazy ass that does crazy shit.
yeaps. you bet. the inner child in me's screaming.
i've a lot of catching up to do.
peeps, update me yea? x)

however, to make things worse,
the weather's not helping me come back.
it's all gloomy and shit.
affects my emotions damn it.
muahahahas. oh wells.
life's a bitch. everyone knows that.
gotta live with that fact. =/ accks.

so i skipped half day of sch.
i really couldn't wake up!!
the previous day i only had 2&1/2 hrs of slp!
at least i completed and submitted my project.
anyhows, gotta go get ready soon.
gonna go to sch for two lectures.
hahas. meaning just two hours.
i'm sucha bad girl =/
i really hafta stop skipping classes.

alright. back to my research.
gotta go back to sch for discussion too.
cheerios for now dudes. i'll be back.

love me,
love everything of me.
never hurt me again.

~~

Monday, November 21, 2005

thousand apologies.
been rather busy and lazy to update.
currently in the library.
doing finishing touches for my project.
gotta go up to class soon.

my mind's been too full to think.
i'm practically brain dead.
only concentrating on what i deem necessary.
blarghs. i'm just not in the right mood lately.
PMS-ing too.

slept at 430 this morning.
so i'm just blabbering nonsense now.
cheerios. gtg. might blog again later. x)

~~

Friday, November 18, 2005

things have not been going smoothly.
been reflecting a fair bit.
but i can't seem to get anywhere.
yes. no conclusions.
i wish there was an escape route.
sadly, there's none.
i've been running however.
haven't been to school.
something deters me from it.
but don't worry. i'll be back.

i seriously don't know what's with me.
i just broke down suddenly.
and i can feel myself crumbling so bad.
what's missing really?
i can't seem to figure.
i've got almost everything.
but why aint i happy?
what is it?
arghhs.
i wish i knew.

so i've gotta get back to school.
please stop me from skipping.
i really have to start attending classes.
i've been a bad kid. i know.
don't hafta remind me. siggh.
i've just gotta get my head worked out.

nothing much to add on.
life's just been monotonous.
not much colour.
haven't been adding much to it.
haven't been training cos i've been sick.
can't wait to get back on the waters come sunday.
gotta start working my ass off.

don't lie.
make me smile.

~~

Monday, November 14, 2005

Slight hope
Dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption

--------------------------------

I know it's been hard between us
Don't know who you can trust
But girl it's me
Cuz what we had was more than just lust
It seems that we always quarellin'
But that don't mean a damn thing
Just as long as we always have an understanding

that's a snippet from a song.
been hooked to it after introduction to it.
but it means a lot to me.
relates really well in fact.
and i wish you meant it.

your actions and words don't coincide.
i know i've said that many times.
but it's just so. it DOESN'T.
it's crushing me so bad.
it hurts like fuck.
you're simply tearing me apart.
i feel so broken.

i'm in itab now.
i feel like throwing eggs at her.
my tutor's just a fucked up old nanny bitch.
nags like a granny,
treats us like babies.
fancy her teaching us something,
we're better at than her.
GROWLS.
i don't like this lesson,
neither do i like her.

blog later.
nothing much going on.
I DON'T LIKE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
IT'S JUST.. DEPRESSING, PAINFUL AND
EXCRUCIATING.

you blow hot and cold.
i don't know what to believe.

~~

Sunday, November 13, 2005

you gave me a glimmer of hope.
with faith i cling on.
let not the patience be tested.
for it is limited.
straddling the fence, i've been for awhile,
make it end for the time is nigh.
we'll make dreams of our own in the sky,
together in the world of our own,
we'll make things fine.

i wish, i hope, i pray.
that things will turn out right.
the heart is heavy, the flesh is weak.
limitations become an obstruction.
skepticism fills a major part of me,
for i am uncertain and dubious of your words and actions.
let not my actions and feelings cross our paths,
for i act upon caution, the love still remains.
give me time to gain assurance.
help me along while i uncover my shell,
and wash away the stains of diffidence.
rid off the equivocal stature i've acquired,
make me learn to trust again, love again.
the way it should be, the way it have been.

simply thoughts.
some incoherent, but just the gist.
i wish i could be oblivious to what's happening,
but sadly, i'm only human.
forgive me for my nonsensical entries.
it's just a way for me to release tension.
as you may know, emotions are not my cup of tea.
battling it gets tough and destructive.

i am so confused.
so unsure.
so doubtful.
so suspicious.
so entangled in thoughts.
i cannot trust.
i cannot accept.
i cannot deal with it.
i need to learn.
stop playing mind games.
i'm mentally exhausted.
in fact, i'm simply exhausted.
in every aspect of my life.
mentally, emotionally, physically.
give me a break.

i wish i could run away.
but that's not the solution.
maybe it is for awhile.
but it'll still surface when i return.
i thought patience would solve it all.
but i've waited and things never changed.
i wonder what's the solution.
i'm boggled.

strength.
something i really need.

will things return to how it was?
will it get better?
can you give me what i need?
action speaks louder than words.

for when trust is broken, it's hard to regain.
nevertheless, i'll try to trust.
for i have faith, that things can turn out right.
that people can change and do great things.
i'll practise what the lord teaches,
for i shall not forgive my brother 7 times, but 77 times.

remember...
the love i have for you shall never die...
\\keep the flame burning bright.

~~

Friday, November 11, 2005

you've killed me.
emotionally.
CRUSHED.
that's how i feel.
spare a thought for me.
stop hurting me.
haven't you any idea how much pain you've brought me?
i think it's about enough.
i've given up so much for you.
is that what i get in return? pain?
that's why they say kindness does not necessarily beget kindness.

wipe away my tears.
then stay far away.
i never wanna get hurt again.

~~

Thursday, November 10, 2005

continuous sneezing,
temperature escalating.
it's not a very nice feeling.
it's TORTURE.
*sniffs.

sandwiched with heartaches,
makes it all unbearable.
i wish you never existed.
really. why bring me this pain?
siggh. if only it didn't turn out this way.
how i wish things could be perfect.
just like everyone else..

i hate to wait.
gets me so freakin' impatient.
makes my mind go bonkas.
and makes my heart beat too fast.
having to wait...
impedes my mental stability.
YES.
that means it's a means of torture.
RARRR. please NEVER do that to me.
of cos. i meant waiting for hours.
please give advance notice,
or at least a kind message,
that you're gonna be late,
or you can't make it,
rather than totally ignore me,
leaving me stranded!
it totally FUCKS ME UP.
PFFFFFT.

i hate being stood up.
seriously. it drives me nuts.

ahhh..
tv has become my past time.
after being STRANDED at home.
and i'm beginning to love the travel&living channel.
scv's channel 16. heh.
and i'm in love with jamie oliver!
wooooot! he's hawt.
and he cooks real well! xDD
and i'm in love with europe.
london specifically.
i think i'm gonna backpack there.
when i've saved up enough.
no one's gonna obstruct me.
i'm making this trip. i so have to.
MY DREAM.

i'm sprouting nonsense.
has to be the almost fried brains.
thanks to the fever and excessive thinking.
yes. i'm growing a lot of white hair.
redudant information. nothing more to share.

i just wish i knew what you were up to.
the hot and cold air you blow rythematically.
i still don't understand...
enlighten me.

~~

yupps.
i'm officially down with a flu?
or i would say a cold.
together with a sore throat.
tripled with a cough.
i know. not a very nice thing to have.
but that's what i hafta endure.

to make things worse,
you're not being very nice to me.
i don't know really.
what you're really up to..
i'm not sure of it,
but i know it's hurting me.
if that's your idea,
den i must say you've succeeded.
and i was just blind..
to let you take control of my life again.
siggh.

let not the heart submit to your call.
for it only begets pain.

i feel so alone.
there's no one there for me,
whenever i fall sick.
my mom doesnt really care much.
she only nags cos i always fall sick.
but thankfully my dad sent me to the docs.
it's been awhile since he's done that.
i usually hafta go alone.
argghs. i hate this feeling.
loneliness.

as many know,
without company, it kills me.
yeaa. i need my friends.
pffft. save me from this dreadful feeling.

anyhows,
i've been skipping classes way too much.
mon-thurs..
that's really bad huh?

arghs.
i'm going off.
too lazy to blog.
and you...
i dunno la..

it's NOT a good day...

~~

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

let not the acts of liars get you.
for they will receive their dued punishments.
though i pray fervently their tongues be slit.
so much so that they can speak no more.
sorry. i'm letting angst get to me.

FUCKING CUNT.

oops.
just had to say that xD

PT. should i go?
i don't know.

i should really stop skipping classes.
3 days in a row.
i ought to be shot, slapped, whacked.
ahh. who cares. hahas =x
if not for a couple of peeps,
i wouldnt even have gone to sch yest.
hahahas. i'm so so bad.
and i know im bad influence la.
you don't have to repeat it again and again,
deliberately rubbing it into my face.
I DONT CARE.
that's just how i am.
*POUTS.

i think i'm falling sick.
my throat feels sore.
i'm coughing and my nose is runny.
damnn. the sailor's flu.
ugggh. race on sunday!
i CANNOT afford to fall sick.
PFFFFFT.

ciaos fer now.
too lazy to blog.
have been the past few days.
been so lethargic.
i think someone fed me with sleeping pills.
or rather, fatigue pills.
hahas. i simply sleep and cant wake up.
and i get sleepy easily.
GROWLS.

~~

Sunday, November 06, 2005

and so i was SUPPOSED to be racing.
ended up not enough equipment.
din have a lower mast.
so i couldn't race. only angie did.
as in the only radial to race.

pert and i ended up on the OD boat.
helped hoist the flags and stuff.
and i got burnt again.
the winds were perfect FOR ME.
but den it died down after some time.
so yea. we had to fly N over H.
the currents were hella strong.
everyone got drifted to tanah merah ferry terminal.
the optis had to be towed back to shore.

so SP's team recovered and unrigged.
so did the other better sailors.
and of cos as committee boat we stayed out longer.
hahas. i'm so burnt damnit it.
all red again. and i feel so so flushed.
BLARGHS.

anyhows,
because of no winds,
and they wanted to make it fair to us,
since we had to pay for entrance fees and all
(not me cos i'm a member),
they've postponed it to next sunday.
but we're deciding whether to race or not..
cos we'll be neglecting the newbies.
but then again the racers will be forfeiting their money.
oh wells. we'll have to come to a conclusion.

damnnn.
they're gonna make wednesdays PT day.
that means that i won't have an early day on wed.
danngs.
so much for having gems on thurs morn.
i wun be ending school at 11 on wed anymore!
and i'll have a 4 hr break before PT. =/
*GROWLS.

anyhows, was damn stoned today.
and i almost couldn't wake up.
lucky thing dale gave me a wake up call.
i was all geared up for today la.
too bad larhhs. hahas. no wind, no equipment.

oh yes..
and pert was being a total fool.
embarrassing herself and us.
pretending that one of the ropes was a dick,
she did funny stuff with it.
hahas. she totally cracked us up.
laughed so much i could hardly breathe.

and there were these two STC sailors.
friggin irritating.
not worthy to be called IJ girls.
total wreckage of the reputation.
they were so annoying i wish i could slap them,
just to shut them up.
my ears were bleeding.
half the time pert me and jeremy were just shaking our heads.
and making nasty comments bout them.
hahahahas. SO ANNOYING PLEASE.

sailing rawks my life.
everyone SHOULD join sailing. xDD

school tomorrow.
i feel so lazy.
but yes. i should kick that habit.
start going to school and stop skipping.
i'm way behind my syllabus. hahas.
especially for my year-longs.

i've found a new hobby too!
reading up on wars,
roman empire, saudi and the isrealis.
it's rather cool ya know. hahas.
kinokuniya's a good place to hang out.
shit. am i getting boring?

you're in my shadows.
i still see you in my dreams.
though i don't see you, i feel you.
you're like the wind.
with heart, we believe.

~~

Saturday, November 05, 2005

i'm getting really lazy to update.

thinking back...
i wonder why i do certain things.
am i stupid or am i dumb?
maybe both..

anyhows,
what's done is done.
no point fretting and whining.
though i still can't seem to accept it.
makes my blood boil.
and my veins pop.
muahahhas. i'm a nut case.

life's been going pretty fine.
i'm doing pretty well i reckon.
satisfied in almost every aspect.

life at SP's much more fun.
found new friends..
more activities. it's great.
together with my secret event.
I SHALL NOT DIVULGE.
but i'm quite happy and satisfied with it.
*WINKS.

race tomorrow.
boss says i have to race.
without fail. blargghs.
i'm praying for light winds.
then i wouldnt suck so bad.
help me pray yea?

i'll finally be seeing jeremy.
havent seen him for SOOOO long.
ever since i last sailed.
he's one of the instructors at the club.
yeaps. heard he kept long hair.
hahahas. i shall wait and seee..

wish me luck for tomorrow.
cos i know i'm gonna screw up real bad.
and i predict i'm coming in last.
so much pressure.
i'm so so screwed.
save me... =(
boss will kill me...
AHHHHH....!!!

~~

Friday, November 04, 2005

been too tired lately,
havent the energy to come online.
or rather, i've been out so late,
i'm rarely ever home at night.
in the day, my brothers are using.
so yeaps. here goes.

unforgettable memories...
keep lingering in my mind.
it keeps replaying so much,
i simply can't shut it out.
the image of you's so clear...
it crosses my heart so much,
i know not what to do.

training yest.
i feel so darn unfit.
i was maxed out in 1/2 hr?
if not less...
gawd damnnit.
i felt the strain in my muscles.
i totally maxed it out.
i felt rather demoralised i must say.
i wonder how i'm gonna race on sun.
1) i've kinda lost it.
2) i've lost the stamina i once had.
(which was 2 yrs back la)
i'll be freakin demoralised if i came in last.
sigggh. i don't know.
have till sat night to decide.
though the seniors want me to take part.

right now..
i'm recovering from the aches.
and the fatigue.
i need support.
blargghs.
thinking of it...
i think i suck.
mentally.. i can't endure.
PFFFFT.

enough bout training...
i'm just so blardie unfit.
i needa train!!!!
GROWLS.
GYMGYMGYM.
anyone??? xDD

the night was simply lovely. ;)

~~

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

it would have been beautiful,
if you'd treated me this way.
sadly, you didnt.
so things turned extremely sour.

i would reckon i'd have been very happy,
without a doubt, i'd be smiling.
i wouldnt have been forced to leave you,
and i wouldnt have felt so much pain.
it would have been the time of my life.

if only...

~~