Wednesday, April 12, 2006
i realised i have a problem expressing my true feelings nowadays. it's not as bad as before. i'm kinda improving... but still i can't seem to put into words how i'm feeling. friends that once used to be there 24/7 just seem too busy for me. yeap. i can still count on a few to always be there. but i can't be selfish.. i realised that when you start growing up, you and your friends start to get busy with other stuff in life you hardly have time for each other. and yeah.. my friends need their space too..
after the break up, i've been feeling rather alone. but nevertheless, i know that if i really need someone to talk to, i've always got friends to talk to.. even it's a hundred miles away, in sydney. and i really appreciate that.
right now i'm just feeling rather empty inside. it's like something's missing from my life. i must say i've been getting along pretty fine. i just hate the lonely times. i've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible. other than that, i spend most of the time in my room, doing my own stuff.
some say i need a bf. maybe i do. but i'm not ready. i just broke up from a serious relationship like a month ago? i doubt i'm ready for another one. and i'm not ready to really commit? and to be restricted. i've so many dreams i wanna pursue and i don't wanna be held back like before. but then again.. the loneliness gets to me.
i realised i've been too rash in making decisions and impulsive as well. it's about time i learnt to take a step back and be more patient. because i get hurt so badly when i do that. i also realised that this may just all be a blessing in disguise. i see so much more of the world now and am very much more aware of myself and my surroundings. i just cross my fingers and hope things get better.
celine requested that i continued my awareness exercise. she din know why she asked me to... but i guess it's just like a premonition of some sort. oh wells. but i guess she was right. i'm almost ready to take on that challenge again. x) just hafta tie up some loose ends. now i really understand what being aware and paying attention to my surroundings really is... and by doing so, it really helps you see things much much better. i used to be so negligent to such things.. and i was just pure ignorant. but right now, it's all so much better. x) really thankful for those who have thought me to pay attention.. specifically celine. love her to bits.
i must say i haven't fully gotten over him. but i'm really trying to move in. it's almost impossible for us. the love is tainted. too many things have happened. things will just never be the same again. the feelings are different. the memories are fond.. but it just won't work out anymore. a pity.. but we must all learn from our mistakes. *nods.
30 more days to May EU. i miss it so much. i love the positive vibes i get at the program.. my amazing assist team.. who's family to me. they supported me when i was down in the pits, tried cheering me up and pulling me out of it. thanks so much. and especially brent and ryan.. thanks for being there when i needed you guys. brent: you're the best. x)
i know i don't need anyone to be dependent on because i, myself, can be independent and rely solely on myself. but sometimes it's just great to have someone who can be there for you all the time. to talk to, to confide in, to hug, to kiss and especially to affirm you and constantly remind you of how beautiful you are, how special you are, how your existence makes a difference, which gives you more purpose in life. i miss those times.. but yeah. im sure i can find enough self motivation to keep me going.
i should stop thinking too much. yupps. guess i do that too much when i'm alone. shall try to appreciate and enjoy the smaller things in life.. be satisfied with what i have. if a guy comes by, nice and attractive, then maybe i could think about settling down again.. but as for now.. i'll do just fine on my own. with my lovely friends and family. thanks for always being there.
<3 lots of huggs and kisses and thanks to all those amazing people in my life. thanks for giving purpose to my life.
