Thursday, October 19, 2006
i'd disagree to the title.
i think i'm disturbed.
by what?
probably everything.
i've jumped start my self reflections...
something i haven't been able to get down to.
what has become of me?
i reckon i've taken things way too lightly.
i assume i'm on track.
but in actual fact, i'm detouring.
goals.
i've yet to set them on paper.
but i roughly know what i want.
have i been putting in effort to achieve them?
hell no!
why?
i don't know.
acceptance.
everyone yearns for that.
and god dammnit, i do too.
we bitch a hell lot.
but we scream a lot more..
for what?
for love, for acceptance.
jean spoke about karma a while ago.
it appears so real...
speak of it today
and guess what?
tomorrow or in days to come,
you're what you spoke of that person.
it's freaky, it's scary...
and yes, watch your DAMNED mouth.
and so i've put on a couple of pounds.
FAT is how you'd describe me.
i've come to terms with that label.
but what the heck.
that SHOULD NOT give you entitlement,
to mock me and criticize me.
if you should, keep it under wraps.
PLEASE don't let me hear it.
PMS.
that's probably something i'm going through.
but FUCK YOU.
don't make me feel more irritated
than i already am.
if you can't help me feel better,
PLEASE STAY AWAY.
cos i'll HATE you.
let's just say,
i've got lots of ANGST built up inside.
and thanks to who?
ALL OF YOU.
HA.
on a lighter note.
i guess i can't give a fuck to those who don't like me.
cos i don't like you too.
so stop acting "god damned smart"
and giving me that "you don't know what's going on"
attitude and look with me.
cos i'll spit in your face,
and make you listen to me.
DRATS.
some people have been spoilt rotten.
i won't mention who.
but it's YOU. yes YOU.
someone who got rather CLOSE to me.
you're SPOILT.
stop seeking the fuckin attention.
cos you're not the only one who wants it.
stop stealing the limelight of others'
if you still want them as your friends.
(i just can't stand how you kick up a big fuss,
and everyone goes running to you,
and you behave like a fuckin princess)
so i got into a fit of anger.
i should stop.
back to my reflections.
oh yes i've become rather unwelcomed by SOME people.
but i think i have better things in life to look forward to.
;) and there'll be a million things i can be happy for.
a smile should keep the unhappiness away.
and RAPPORT...
something i've yet to develop with the people around me.
i should get down to it.
especially when i'm in business.
if i wanna perform,
it's about time i learnt to work with people.
i'm bored shit.
and i don't wanna think more.
gonna end here for now.
i'm starting to hate attention seekers.
FULLSTOP.
Friday, October 13, 2006
i'm so so so bored.
in the biz it library right now.
3 hr break...
cos my GEMS lecturer is on reservist.
oh wells....
i decided to blog since i've nothing better to do.
my baby's so busy with work he can't talk to me.
and his batt's running low.
miss him so much.
can't wait to meet jean and the rest later.
going over to her place for dinner.
a mini reunion for all the babes.
i miss them heaps!
hahas. all the sjc fun we used to have.
ALTHOUGH... we were in different classes.
the bond was still there.
all the A maths classes especially. hahas.
all that bitching and towning!!
OMG. I MISS THEM SO MUCH!
oh yes. and our frenzy about our uniforms!
the best uniform in the world!!!
simply, it's our IDENTITY.
so can't wait.
and i can't wait for supper too!
babes' gonna bring me to upper pierce reservoir..
and we're going to casuarina for prata.
BUT... that's if he can get the car.
*crosses finger.
so hope i get a good supper.
well...
i woke up from the wrong side of the bed today.
so i'm kinda grumpy.
mom kept nagging at me to wake up.
dad came in my room and nagged even more.
and then i got a phone call to remind me about sch.
arghs. it's annoying.
i wanna go to sch.
it's just that i was suffering from insomnia.
it felt like i didn't sleep at all.
sucked big time.
so a good supper would definitely perk me up.
anyways, my dad knew better.
the more he bugged me,
i was just gonna rebel...
so he left me with "i'm disappointed"
and left my room. HA.
i slept in for a bit and got myself outta bed.
i knew i was so gonna be late.
but i cabbed down to sch.
and got here at like 1030am
could have gone in late for lecture.
but feared the lecturer would rave at me..
and the eyes darted at me.
so i decided to wait outside
for the next lecture to commence.
blarghs.
and jean had to come to sch.
cos of her presentation later.
so there goes our vivocity escapade plan.
and i'm gonna end up attending FM lecture.
which i was all ready to skip.
i even left my lecture notes at home.
but oh what the heck.
i'll just attend the lecture and bitch with the rest.
hahahas.
i love combined lectures.
it's so fun!
miss the 05 days. heh.
ok enough shit.
i'm just so bored right now.
wish you were here babes.
*smuacks.
missing you....
love you with all my heart.
though the others may doubt.
we trust...
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
finding the root of the problem...
has been something that i always do.
i cannot set my mind at ease,
until i find the harming/causing source.
and i guess i've found it.
now i realise how hard it is to keep privacy.
intruders come ever so often,
without your knowledge...
with the ever improving technology.
sounds scary, but true.
even things that are not meant for the eyes/ears of others,
happen to travel far enough...
to a point that people who never meant to know,
or even people who never wanted to know,
come to know about your personal matters.
and hence,
in conclusion,
keep your private matters to yourself.
for the walls have ears,
and people cannot be trusted.
there's always the tendency to want to tell others.
gossip has become to common hobby of humans.
totally uncontrollable.
once it starts, it spreads like wildfire.
only you can stop it.
cos it obviously originated from you.
and thus, i've learnt my lesson.
even the closest people (or people you deem close)
can betray you...
and i've done the necessary.
didn't wish to... but i had to. :)
i'm in the com. lab right now.
QA practical.
the tutor is retarded.
he can't teach for nuts.
but he's damn cute lah.
chinese educated...
look like a teddy bear.
and don't dare to scold.
BUT IT'S DETRIMENTAL TO MY STUDIES!!
cos he can't friggin teach!
accks.
i'm doomed.
enough shit for now.
will be back.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
life's like a whirl.
especially when you have headaches.
everything seems so blurry.
recalling actions during this period can be a sore.
but sometimes people force you to.
without a choice, you have to.
thinking about the stuff i have done,
good and bad...
i have my fair share of mistakes.
"modelling the way"..
sometimes the going gets tough.
but i feel that as long as i press on,
the results should be worth it.
is it really worth it at the end of it?
i have my doubts.
painstaking efforts i have made.
have they ever been appreciated?
the late nights i've spent,
the hours i've planned...
it is even worthwhile?
cos at the end of it...
all i get are people i trust..
who start talking behind my back.
and all they do and criticize...
even the closest of my friends..
stinging it may feel.
what choice have i?
sometimes i wonder...
is it that difficult to live a life?
i try to help.
but i get reprimanded for my efforts.
why should i try?
at times i just feel like giving up.
but i don't have the heart to.
because i know i want to help.
maybe i just shouldn't care too much.
"hao xin mei hao bao" <- should i believe this statement?
is it really wrong to be too close to someone?
queries flood my mind this instant.
but answers are nowhere near satisfiable.
argghs.
sometimes i just don't want to be me.
i just want to thank a special someone...
someone who has been by my side all these while.
supporting me, pointing out my mistakes,
and helping me work on myself.
this someone is very close to my heart.
and never gives up on me. thanks.
he is someone who will never talk behind my back.
and confront me with the issues he have with me.
and i appreciate him for being this way.
because i know he cares.
unlike the others who appear to.
but only give me that sense of betrayal.
he is no other than my dearest boyfriend, jun khee
thanks for being there all these while baby,
my pillar of support.
i also wanna thank my bestfriend.
she never judges me.
despite the changes in me..
she never despise my actions.
neither does she criticize me.
when i err, she's there to correct,
only building upon our friendship,
never giving up, never failing.
true friends don't come easy...
and i thank her for being her.
yeap, and she's no other than jean.
another friend of mine,
that stays close to my heart..
one of the closest of closest friends.
she too, has never given up on me.
despite the physical distance that may have grown...
our friendship has never soured.
the trust we have,
the understanding and the forgiveness,
others can never experience.
thanks for being you, jill.
to all those who i consider true friends,
thanks for being yourself.
it is you who keep true to your word.
and not act so FAKE.
you guys mean the world to me.
to the sailors whom i thought was family.
i am disappointed...
but i won't give up.
maybe one day you guys will realise.
just one day...
(i am hurt by what i've heard but i'll forgive and let it pass)
to my family,
the closest to my heart.
thanks for everything you've given to me.
especially the unconditional love,
that never seems to end,
that you have showered upon me throughout my lives.
I LOVE YOU!
what more can i say?
trials and tribulations..
sigh. i hope i only emerge stronger.
